


Bad Feelings

by obviouslyelementary



Series: Firsts [2]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-20
Updated: 2016-02-20
Packaged: 2018-05-22 06:23:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6068539
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/obviouslyelementary/pseuds/obviouslyelementary
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Second part of my series 'Firsts'. Centers around Kylo and Hux's relationship and how Hux learns different things from Kylo's actions.</p><p>'Bad Feelings': jealousy, neediness, worry, longing and loneliness.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bad Feelings

1 – jealousy

Hux had never felt that before. That heat, that anger, directed to someone, so strong he could strangle them in less than three seconds and kill them with his bare hands. It was a vicious feeling. He hated it.

But surely not more than he hated that excuse of officer and how she kept throwing herself against Ren with the clear propose of insinuating ‘grab my waist and fuck me right here, right now.’ Gross. Disgusting. What kind of display was that?

And why did Ren seem to be pleased?

‘Hux. Are you sure you are okay? Maybe you shouldn’t have drunk so much’ he heard Phasma talking next to him, both sitting on the booth of the shitty bar they had inside the Star Killer. Even them sometimes needed parties to relax and drink and just forget about responsibilities for a while.

Right now, Hux felt like he could be building another Death Star with his own hands and he would be much more pleased than by staying on that dreadful party.

‘I suggest you keep quiet Captain’ Hux said coldly, asking for another round of shots to himself. His eyes didn’t leave Ren. He was completely dressed, as he always was in parties, with his mask on and all the robes he was for battles. He also was very still next to a pillar, while that woman kept drunkenly dancing and rubbing herself against him.

Great. Great. Amazing. He could imagine Ren’s face. So smug. So cocky. He was oh so especial. Snoke’s right arm. The most stronger user of the force. Popular with the ladies and gentleman and in between and all the fucks Hux did not give. He didn’t. He surely didn’t care about that son of a bitch Kylo Ren, with his nice face and soft lips and wide eyes. He did not care about his strong arms and broad chest and- 

Fuck.

The anger suddenly vanished after around three shots. Phasma now was far away and he was alone on the booth while everyone danced and every second that woman started getting closer to Ren, almost grinding against him, and the man didn’t move an inch.

Hux felt his eyes burning but didn’t let any tears rise. He wouldn’t act so ridiculously just because of a man. Especially Kylo Ren.

He left before anyone could see how his hands trembled.

2 – neediness

Hux didn’t need anything. He never needed anything because he always had everything he could possibly need close to him, so he wouldn’t have to ask anything to anyone or leave his post. He didn’t need coffee, a shower, sleep. He never needed anything in his life. Need was weakness. Need left you vulnerable.

And yet he found himself, late at night, knocking on Kylo Ren’s room, waiting by the door, foot tapping on the floor anxiously. The knight took so long to open up the door that Hux almost thought he had died. Once Kylo was out, he looked Hux up and down and raised his eyebrow.

‘Yes?’

Hux should leave. He didn’t have needs. He should deal with this on his own.

‘You didn’t talk to me the entire day.’

Hux did not, he did not need Kylo Ren to talk to him at least once a day.

‘I thought you had said you didn’t want to hear my annoying voice. I just did what you asked’

That son of a bitch, always trying to get away with everything. Obviously. Hux did not want to be there. He was there because he had to teach Kylo.

‘I meant I didn’t want to hear you talking about things that didn’t matter. Not become mute out of nowhere!’

That wasn’t exactly what Hux had thought about saying. And if it was, it sounded way better in his head.

Kylo didn’t seem to care. He shrugged off and watched Hux as if he was searching for something. Hux stood still. He didn’t know what to say or do. He just waited to see if Kylo would talk to him or leave it like that. When he started stepping back, and Hux realized he would leave him there talking by himself, he reached up and pulled Ren down for a kiss by his scarf.

And he would swear to every single person that asked that he did not need Kylo’s mouth on his own or his annoying voice or his hands on Hux’s hips every day. He did not. Except he did.

3 – worry

Hux worried a lot. 

He worried about his mission, about his position, about his troops, about his machines, about his base, about his work, about their weaponry, about the First Order, about the Rebellion, about attacks, about defenses, about everything. There was only one thing that Hux did not worry about: individuals. 

Worrying about a plan was important, necessary. Worrying about people individually was a waste of time and usually lead to failure. After all, people were bound to make mistakes and in a war, mistakes were paid with lives. So Hux did not have the time or the mind to care if HO-682 was down or if Captain Gormac had lost all his friends in battle. He didn’t care and he shouldn’t care. Like a good leader, he needed to see everything from a higher perspective.

And that higher perspective also implied that he should not be worried about Ren. Ren was a highly trained knight, the best warrior in his troops, he could kill a hundred men in less than five minutes with his powers and lightsaber skills, and did not need Hux’s worry. He could handle himself. Hux knew it.

But then, the rebels came. Organa’s army came to the star killer base, someone deactivated the shields, and everything was a mess. Soon, the base was being destroyed, and that was when Snoke had turned to him and had said ‘Find Ren and bring him to me’.

Find Ren.

Find Ren.

Hux mind had been all over the place. He had tried to protect his biggest project with all their power, but couldn’t. And now he needed to find Ren so he could run away from the almost exploding planet. How incredible. He hoped in a vessel, glad that he had put the tracking device on Ren’s belt, and told the troops to stop right next to the spot. A few troopers went out to find him, and Hux waited by the vessel, counting down the minutes until the planet exploded.

When the troopers returned though, and Hux looked up to see Ren, the pad fell from his hands and he didn’t even wait until they had put him down on the floor. ‘Get us out of here!’ one of the troopers yelled, and Hux couldn’t even get angry at him for the language as he kneeled next to Ren, eyes wide, scanning him up and down. Several cuts. A bloody scar on his face. A hole on his left side. How was Ren even breathing?

‘Give me an first aid kit!’ he yelled, while removing Ren’s robes. He hadnever felt his heart beating so fast before. Every time the knight let out a moan of pain, Hux flinched. What had happened to him anyway?

He cleaned the wounds the best he could, and made them hurt to make sure Ren would stay awake. Once he was done, he looked at the knight, who was looking back at him as if the whole world was crashing around them. It was indeed.

‘I was worried’

‘I know’

Hux sighed. He held Ren’s hand, knowing they could not do anything else there, in front of their troops. He wanted to kiss him, tell him everything would be okay. But not even Hux was sure of it.

He decided that worry was not worth it’s pain.

4 – longing

It had been three weeks since Ren had left for his last mission.

Hux knew the mission was extremely important, something about ‘searching his inner dark side’ and some other stuff Hux did not understand. He didn’t have to. He wasn’t force sensitive after all. 

Still, it didn’t stop him from wondering why the hell the mission would take so long. Was it because it was way too far from where they were? Maybe in another unknown system? Maybe it was way harder than the others? Maybe Snoke wanted to test Kylo’s endurance? Hux did not know. But he wondered.

The first week was easy. Everything went by in a blur, and Hux didn’t even realize Ren was out. Every now and then he would tell some officer to call Ren but as soon as he was reminded that the knight was away, he shrugged it off and went about his way to finish his duties.

When the second week came, he knew there was something wrong. He couldn’t focus very well when lunch time approached and every now and then he got himself staring out of the window to the stars for no reason whatsoever. Everyday that passed seemed to have 100 hours and he couldn’t sleep very well at night. It was strange, to say the least. But he managed to go through with no mayor problems.

The real trouble was the third week. He did not know he was already that hooked on Ren, and it was not good to find out. By the middle of the third week, he didn’t have much motivation to get up, and every time he saw a window he stopped and watched the stars. He started to forget about his work to count the red stars and the yellow stars and the black holes. Sometimes he would sit in his desk and watch from the bridge every single ship that came and left, wondering if Kylo would take too long to return to him.

That feeling inside him was crushing his organs. He did not like it. It made him weak and fragile, he couldn’t eat a lot and he couldn’t sleep at all. He was longing for Kylo to arrive, to talk to him and fight him and kiss him.

By the end of the week, Hux had skipped three daily shower, and when Kylo opened the door to his quarters, Hux was there, waiting, sitting on his bed.

They didn’t talk until later, when they were both naked and panting and sweaty. But Hux had never hated himself more than that moment of relief.

5 – loneliness

Hux had felt lonely hundreds of times before, and he hated himself for that. It was a ridiculous feeling, but one he had always known and had never been able to get away from. It was the only thing that he did not fight back. He tried to see it as a training to control his emotions when he felt worst than ever. It was an interesting training, with lots of failures and sucesses.

And then Kylo Ren came into picture.

Funny or not, no matter how annoying the man was, he didn’t let Hux feel lonely anymore. Now Hux had always some company, and even if he wasn’t around he could still see the damages he had made in Hux’s base and even if the general did not want to, he was always reminded of that stupid excuse of knight Kylo Ren. And for some reason, he forgot how being lonely was, for a long time, because there was always work or Ren filling up that space.

That, until the tragic day when Star Killer base was destroyed, and Kylo came back from it in the worst form.

He wasn’t severely wounded besides from the shot on his side. Not even the huge scar on his face was that deep or worrying. But the was he came back mentally and emotionally was way worse than any wound could have been.

He didn’t speak to anyone for three entire days, in complete and utter silence, barely even making any noise to breathe. Hux tried to spend as much time as he could next to him, but Kylo did not acknowledge him. He acted as if he was alone, meditating. It was starting to make Hux furious.

Then, came the single worded answers. ‘Yes’. ‘No’. ‘Out’. ‘Food’. ‘Sleep’. Kylo talked barely as much as he looked at anyone in the room. And then, Hux’s anger changed to something else. A familiar feeling he hadn’t experienced in a long time.

He tried to ignore it at first, thinking Kylo was only talking to him at least. That was until Phasma came, and Kylo gave her the same treatment he gave Hux. So the general wasn’t special. Great.

Then, when he saw it was impossible to ignore it, he started coming less and less to the infirmary. He didn’t want to see Kylo, or look at him. What he realized was that he only felt worse, not being able to sleep or eat at all, not being able to concentrate on minimum work, and sometimes zoning out so much that he didn’t even hear what the officer had said. It wasn’t working. Time for plan C.

Hux did not leave Kylo’s side. He stayed there all the time, only leaving to the bathroom and shower. He ate there, slept there, worked there, continued trying to talk to Kylo... It wasn’t working, of course, but Hux felt even worse. His bones were crushing on themselves and destroying his organs. He couldn’t think straight with Kylo right in front of him. He felt sick, all the time, and couldn’t make it better in any way.

He was lonely, and Kylo was right next to him.


End file.
